H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
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ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
The only equipped I am is ill.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…