Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
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god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Breaking news:
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.