I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
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Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet