Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
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GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.