He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
You Might Also Like
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
😂💯
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party