Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
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there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
girls literally only want one thing..
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah