[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
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Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Have a lovely day 😊
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
My zodiac sign is pistachio
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Trying
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no