I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
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We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
back to work
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
it must be school picture day
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.