beware of dog
(jukin media)
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wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My neck, my back, my…
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I wanna be friends with this person
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!