Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
You Might Also Like
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
This is a true ally.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.