Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
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Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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