[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.