[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
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[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store