ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
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Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
the composer
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.