The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
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Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Note to self: always read the final line
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.