If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
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8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
good morning
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .