Beware…..
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I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia