I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
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My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
“How’s your day going?”
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*