Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
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[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Sorry. Not sorry
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
From my Mom
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”