My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
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in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
This fish is cracking me up
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen