WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
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DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
If only.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe