Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
You Might Also Like
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.