When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
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why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
uh oh
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
BRO LMFAO
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed