My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
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Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh