GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
You Might Also Like
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!