This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
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Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.