Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
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[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.