Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
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Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I like long walks away from everyone
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…