Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
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Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.