[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
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For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*