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The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there