Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
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The news is so predictable nowadays
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
scrabbled eggs
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
They grow up so quick
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.