My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
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*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Me irl
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir