i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
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My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No