My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
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Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what