I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
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Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I am also baked goods
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
584.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
what day is it?