I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
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Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf