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Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*