No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
You Might Also Like
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho