*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
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5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
When I snag the last meatball.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
fired
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.