[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
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me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs