Fight fire with water. Idiots.
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You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
🤭😂
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.