My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
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I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good