Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
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All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.