Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
You Might Also Like
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Banking tips
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
We need to put an American base on the sun
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.