911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
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They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.