I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
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My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Why are bridges so flammable.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!