Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
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I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING