I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
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[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
*limbos under the caution tape
😩😩😩
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.