The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
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Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.